From childhood we absorb cultural scripts that present sexual desire as something that either is or is not present, like a gauge that goes from zero to one hundred and describes exactly how interested in sex we are. A person with this understanding of desire might find themselves asking “If we love each other and we’re attracted to each other then why is it so hard to find a time when we’re both in the mood?”
Because we are often not taught how to discuss sex and what informs our sexual desires, it can feel overwhelming to even begin. The truth is, wanting sex is not that different from wanting anything else. Let’s talk briefly about cake.
For the purposes of this exercise, let’s say that you love lemon cake (feel free to substitute the dessert of your choice). In theory, you have a 100% approval rating for lemon cake, it is your very favorite dessert. Does that mean that every time you see lemon cake, for your entire life, you eat it? For most of us, the answer is no. Whether because you’re concerned about nutrition, cost, or the inconvenience of explaining to your family why you are breaking out a slice of cake after every meal, the reality of loving cake does not mean you are constantly eating it. And we haven't even gotten to whether there’s a bakery in your area that knows how to make a cake the way you like!
For you to want to eat the cake that you know you like, there are conditions that have to be met. The same slice of cake that would delight at dinner with friends or on a paper plate in the backyard at a family barbeque might be revolting if offered to you in an alley on a trashcan lid. As much as the cake is appealing, the environment and the context have to be appealing as well.
Why am I talking so much about this? It’s what we’re here for, the dual control model.
Your desire for cake, like the desire for sex, is controlled by both an accelerator, making the object of your desire seem appealing, and brakes, which make it seem unappealing.
And with sex, unlike cake, there are often two or more parties who need to feel comfortable in the same environment for everyone to feel ready for pleasurable, consensual sex. Some people have a sensitive accelerator, while for some people it can take a long time or very specific circumstances to feel ready. For some, the brakes might be very strong and take a lot of work to disengage, while for others easing off the brakes may be as simple as making sure the dishes are done, or the doors are locked. Every person is different, and that means there is no ‘normal’ way for this to work. What is healthy is to be curious and understanding, both of your partner and of yourself.
This concept is described in wonderful detail by Dr. Emily Nagoski in her wonderful book Come as You Are, which you can learn a little more about here!
Resources:
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
Philip Rogers is a Counseling Intern at Enhancing Intimacy Counseling. Philip is a specialist in working with people with differing levels of sexual desire and who need help communicating about sex. Philip believes that you are the expert on your own life and desires, and he is here to help you use your own voice to foster connection both with the self and between partners. Philip’s goal is to help clients take a wider view of how and why they relate to their partners to help weave something stronger together. Whether that means addressing in-the-moment issues like affair-recovery and conflict resolution or longer-term issues such as uneven levels of sexual desire, improving communication, or premarital counseling.
If you're considering counseling for sexual desire differences, you can schedule an appointment with Philip by calling us at 512-994-2588, sending us an email at enhancingintimacyaustin@gmail.com, or scheduling on our website.
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