Multi-Cultural Relationships and Intimacy

Culture can be observed in a variety of different ways within everyday practice which may reflect a society's values, beliefs, and history. Living in a complex society that invites values and beliefs to be explored often results in coexistence of multiple cultures which is referred to as multiculturalism.

When looking at multi-cultural relationships it is important to understand how your different backgrounds influence your relationship as well as your relationship with intimacy.

Intimacy is such an important factor in your relationship that tethers a sense of belonging, togetherness, sharing, and connection. When coming from different cultural backgrounds it may be challenging to feel this sense of intimacy from one another. It may seem like there is a piece missing from understanding the person that you love. When working with people exploring how their cultures have influenced their relationships, all people deserve to be understood in the entirety of their context (Rastogi and Thomas, 2009).

In therapy we do the work to try to resolve the typical issues: communication, grief, intimacy, boundaries, trauma, etc. Cultural values embedded within our own definitions of intimacy may be hidden which can lead to serious misunderstandings between partners (Scheinkman, 2019). When looking at therapy through a multi-cultural lens we take it a step deeper. Using a multi-cultural lens we can start to understand and break down the construct

associated with gender, social class, ability, race, sexual orientation, and religious beliefs. We

look at what culture means to you. We look at emotional experiences related to culture. We look at power, privilege, and oppression.

The topic of privilege may be associated with oppression for some and power for others. When talking about privilege it is easy for it to be invisible when it is already there for certain

populations (Rastogi and Thomas, 2009). This means the presence of privilege is there, however you may be unable to see it. For example male privilege may be invisible to men or straight privilege may be invisible to people who are heterosexual. This invisible privilege may be a source of power that has not been taken into consideration for the group it is empowering, however the group that it is disempowering may completely see this privilege and understand the nuances of how this is oppressing them.

The word “othering” is something that is often referred to when looking at racial

minorities. The process of othering is where people are categorized as different based on their race which often leads to prejudice, discrimination, and stereotyping. In the context of

multi-cultural relationships, both romantic and platonic, the ideation of stereotyping is often

brought up. Whether it is a conscious or unconscious thoughts these are associations that may hinder relationships from growing or forming. The meaning of marriage and intimacy is an important aspect to consider when looking at the growth or multi-cultural relationships. In the therapy room the discussion of values may be something important to consider in this scenario.

What values does each person hold dear to them and where do these values come into fruition within marriage and intimacy? Couples may not understand each other’s meanings of marriage depending on their cultural background. For some cultures marriage is the goal of a relationship. For other cultures marriage may have been used as a form of entrapment in the past and now it is something that is being denounced or deconstructed. Intimacy is something that is often looked at as well in the therapy room when talking about multi-cultural relationships. Each person in the room has their own definition of intimacy and as a couple they must come together and create their own meaning.

The definition of intimacy is viewed differently by everyone in which the meaning is

made unique. Often, the definition is made within a culture but made unique within subcultures.

When looking at the spectrum of sex and gender as a subculture there is often alikeness of the definition between similar sex and gender identities. In our modern culture the gender and sex ideology that is most subscribed to the patriarchal heterosexual narrative. The history of our society is deeply rooted in the narrative that men are the bread winners and women are family raisers. Even now, when women frequently work, it is often still expected for men to be the bread winners and for women to raise the family while getting paid 83 cents on the dollar that her husband is getting paid. Multiculturalism within sex and gender starts to challenge that this patriarchal heterosexual narrative is not the only dynamic that exists within a couple. In more open minded cultures you can see the spectrum of gender and sexuality thrive and evolve. Just looking at Austin alone you can see that queer spaces have become a staple in our community. In the therapy room it is important for couples to truly be seen and understand what their own personal relationships with sexuality and gender are. It is also necessary to look at how the constructs of gender and sexuality have influenced perceptions of intimacy and relationships.

In the therapy room it is important for these topics to be taken into consideration. These

complexities may be hard to hear and hard to challenge when needed, however in a therapeutic realm you will have someone to guide you through this uncomfortable stage and lead you to communicate with your partner effectively.

Turn the challenge of a multi-cultural relationship into curiosity. This is where we look at family upbringing and truly try to understand what it was like for your partner to be a child being raised in their cultures and subcultures.

Breaking down the complexity of culture gives your partner a chance to see the world through your eyes. Invite them to understand your culture, share your food, and relate to your stories.

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Jesse Ryan is a relationship counseling intern at Enhancing Intimacy Counseling. She specializes in helping couples navigate communication challenges, build deeper understanding, and honor cultural differences within their relationships. Jesse is currently accepting new clients at a reduced cost. You can learn more about her here.

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Rastogi, M., and Thomas, V. (2009). Multicultural couple therapy (1st ed.). Sage Publications.

Scheinkman, M. (2019). Intimacies: An Integrative Multicultural Framework for Couple

Therapy. Family Process, 58(3), 550–568. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12444